


and i keep it in my chest with all my might

by ghostknife



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fade to Black, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Love Confessions, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 22:16:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17434511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostknife/pseuds/ghostknife
Summary: There’s something from Molly, too, and Caleb knows they both of catch hints it, their true feelings slipping by on accident; but they both dance around it still, getting as close to the edge of it as possible without tipping over, afraid of the change, afraid of being rejected.Caleb's heart can't help but take the leap after spending an evening together.





	and i keep it in my chest with all my might

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've been a bit busy, but I hope I can post a little more frequently soon. I was unsure about the rating so I set it to M just in case; there's not explicit sex, the most steamy it gets is kissing without clothes before switching scenes, but if the rating does need to be tweaked please let me know.  
> Mollymauk's nonbinary and I use binary pronouns for him in this. I hc and write Caleb as a trans man.
> 
> for Andyisalwaysarting on the widomauk discord! happy Winter's Crest!

In recent months, Caleb’s found it in himself to be able to enjoy the peace in small moments like this; when he catches himself, it makes his heart swell in his chest, thinking about how much he truly loves the people around him. It took him so long to realise it, even longer to find the space to let it really sink into Caleb, but now, after more than three years travelling with the Mighty Nein, he knows they’re his family. He knows it _and_ he can say it without a second thought. 

Caleb watches the rest of the group perched on his boulder beside the iced-over pond, legs tucked towards himself to use his knees as a desk for his book. He’s not too engaged in it, really, but more focused on the scene around him, chuckling to himself at his friends enjoying their day around him.

Mollymauk’s out a ways on the pond with Jester and Nott, his coat spinning and swirling magnificently behind him as tries his best to dance across the ice. For the most part, they’re all floundering around the ice, grabbing onto one another and swirling each other with ridiculous momentum, but occasionally they’ll find a nice groove that’s more akin to actual skating. Maybe Mollymauk’s better at finding that groove as he dances across the ice, or maybe Caleb’s just fixating on Molly in particular, which wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for him recently.

There’s a moment when Mollymauk seems to catch Caleb’s attentions and flashes a bright smile accompanied with a finger wave in response. Caleb waves back shyly, unable to stop himself from smiling back before turning his face down to his book.

A light, warm feeling buzzes around Caleb’s chest as he tries to go back to reading but it’s the most distracting thing the world. _Molly’s_ the most distracting thing in the world as of late, really - he’s a a bright, shining beacon in Caleb’s life, one that’s just a tad different than the rest of the Mighty Nein. There’s something from Molly, too, and Caleb knows they both of catch hints it, their true feelings slipping by on accident; but they both dance around it still, getting as close to the edge of it as possible without tipping over, afraid of the change, afraid of being rejected.

The lines of their relationship have blurred a great deal in the past few months but Caleb’s too afraid to ask Mollymauk for anything more; he’s afraid he’s reading everything wrong, getting in too deep, even if he just keeps digging the hole deeper for himself, anyway. There’s times where Caleb just looks at Molly and he’s unable to take his eyes away, entranced by the bright, lively aura Mollymauk seems to emit even without even trying to. Caleb’s heart swells just listening to them laugh or when he curls up to Caleb at a tavern, at all the simple things when they’re around each other.

He wants more, he really does, but he doesn’t want to be selfish. This should all be plenty, he’s so greedy, pretending like this isn’t more than enough - like he needs more than the time they’ve spent together. Selfish. Always wanting more. Molly’s current attentions should be more than enough. 

Almost as if Molly could hear Caleb’s brooding, his voice breaks his thoughts. “Mr. Caleb!” 

When Caleb looks back up from his book, Molly’s half-running, half-sliding towards him on the ice, but once he gets within about twenty five feet of the shore, he drops to his knees, continuing to slide. Mollymauk throws his hands up on either side of him almost like wings as he flies towards the bank, eventually skidding to a halt as his knees reach the snowed-over shoreline. Caleb can’t help but shake his head, laughing.

 _I love you,_ he thinks. It’s not a new thought, either, it’s something he’s used to by now. He just can't say it.

“An entrance that dramatic must warrant something important.” Caleb says, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a smile.

“Very important,” Mollymauk says as he puts his arms back down by his sides. “Dance with me?”

“On the ice?”

“Dancing in two feet of snow would be near impossible, darling.”

Caleb folds up his book regardless and bends over the side of the rock to grab for his satchel, then slipping the book inside before standing up and walking towards Molly. He smiles up at Caleb like he’s won some sort of contest. 

“Help me up? I think I obliterated my knees with that stunt.”

Caleb offers his hands down to Molly, who takes them in his own, palms still warm even in this cold weather. “I’ve gotten the impression that you like being down there.”

“Not in front of everyone, at least,” Molly winks, trying to play it off as being suave but the way his already darkened cheeks go a deeper shade of plum betrays him as Caleb helps him stand up. It’s cute. 

Caleb tries to cock an eyebrow up at Mollymauk in a smug way but his expression betrays him, the hint of a sincere, little smile poking it’s way through. 

He releases one of Mollymauk’s hands before stepping completely onto the ice, tentative as he gauges the slipperiness of it. The mix of slush and snow coating the top actually gives a lot of room to slide around. Molly starts to follow him, twirling around to stand in front of Caleb.

“What - What’s that look about?”

Caleb shrugs. “You’re easy to fluster, it’s cute.”

Molly gives a fake, offended look across his face as he continues to slide backward on the ice, easily dragging Caleb along with him. “You can’t fluster Mollymauk Tealeaf. I have no shame.”

“You sure are acting like it now.” Caleb smiles. “I can tell that because I’ve seen you embarrassed many, many times - see, now you’re just blushing more. Look at that.”

“Now, let’s - that’s just the pot calling the kettle black, Caleb, don’t you dare.”

Caleb throws a face before grabbing onto Mollymauk’s arm with both hands now, pushing himself off to the left in hopes of throwing Molly’s balance off. It does, but he catches himself, nearly stumbling into Caleb before their momentum continues, Molly sliding around Caleb in circles for a few moments. Molly starts to laugh again, bright and loud as he pulls Caleb in closer, his free hand going grip Caleb’s left. With a little more effort, they’re still able to spin together on the ice, but with far more control.

“Rude.” Molly says, pouting slightly.

“I couldn’t have you calling me out like that in front of everyone, now could I?”

“Ah, it’ll be our little secret, then.” He gives a quick wink that Caleb just rolls his eyes playfully at.

They dance around the ice for quite some time, though when they’re more serious it’s more Mollymauk leading them anything - Caleb has a bit of a rough time getting his footing, but when he slips and falls he at least as Molly to grab onto (which, on several occasions, means Caleb dragging Molly down onto the ice with him). There’s a few moments where it feels like they’re sharing a nice, quiet moment between each other, but as the time passes, they devolve more into goofing off more than anything. 

Jester encourages a stunt that involves running across the ice with Expeditious Retreat. It ends in Caleb dragging Mollymauk along with him as he sprints across the pond, both of them only stopped by the snowbank they rocketed into on the other side, divulging into a long fit of laughter afterwards.

As the sun starts to set, the group gathers back up in the Magnificent Mansion as the temperature starts to drop as well, convening together for dinner as they begin to settle down for the day.

*

Caleb hovers behind in the kitchen for a few minutes after everyone’s finished dinner, making sure everything put away in the proper spot. When the last of the Nein filter out of the room, a few moments later, Molly's hand settles feather-light on the small of Caleb's back, sending a little shiver up his spine. His eyes flick over to Molly at his side.

“I can't quite shake the cold, still,” Molly starts. “Want to go get warm upstairs?”

Caleb's mouth quirks up just a little. “Ja, sure, that sounds nice. Your room?”

“Sure.” Molly's scratches gentle at Caleb's back, sending another little tingle up his spine, but the pressure soon disappears as Molly starts to walk off. “No rush, though, just - just, y’know, whenever you feel like it.”

“Mhm. I'll be up in a couple of minutes.” He says over his shoulder.

*

Caleb taps softly on Mollymauk's door, waiting only a moment before he hears the _‘come in’_ from the inside and steps inside, closing the door behind him. Molly's room is covered in all sorts of gaudy decorations and bright tapestries coating the walls, his large bed just off-right of from the center of the room. Many pillows are gathered up by the headboard where Molly lounges back against them, already nude, laying atop the layers of flashy, silken sheets. As cheesy as it sounds, the thought flashes in the back of Caleb's mind that he looks almost like art, all pretty and lounging like a cat, the perfect image of relaxed.

He drags his eyes exaggeratedly down Molly's form as he starts to make his way towards the side of the bed, making sure Molly catches the look - which he does, judging by the flick of his tail. 

“You told me you were cold.”

Molly shrugs, grinning. “I got a little impatient, what can I say?”

“Right, me of all people should know that.” Caleb chuckles, shouldering off his coat before hanging it up on the back of the chair near the desk. “Since we're … close.”

Something flickers in Molly's expression, just for a moment before it fades away, but Caleb catches it still. “Yeah,” Molly says with a short chuckle tacked on the end.

Caleb frowns as he starts to take off his holsters. “Does - does this bug you? Being … vague?”

“What? Oh, no.” Molly shakes this head. “Sometimes you just gotta kiss your friends a bit, I'm used to it.”

“Alright.” He rocks back on his heels, anxiety bubbling low in his stomach, suddenly worried that maybe, Molly doesn't want this. Maybe he's been making Molly uncomfortable this whole time -

“I can hear you thinking too hard, dear.” Molly's tail flicks, tentative. “You know I wouldn't have asked you up here if I didn't want to spend time with you.”

Caleb nods, gaze flickering to the ground for a moment. “Ja, ja, I just wanted to make sure we were … I'm making things weird, sorry.”

“You're not, promise.” Molly reaches one of his hands out casually, wiggling his fingers in a vague grabby motion. “C'mere.”

Caleb wiggles off his boots awkwardly before taking Molly's hand, following his lead as he guides Caleb to kneel in the space between his open legs. One of Caleb's hands gingerly glides up and down a small section of Molly's bare thigh as one of his own hands go to tangle in Caleb's hair, scratching softly at his scalp. He leans back into it more than he'd like; he'd be perfectly content with Molly just petting him for a long while, really.

“Can I kiss you?” Caleb asks, gaze flickering down to Molly's lips.

“Please.” 

Caleb leans in to kiss Molly, putting more of his wait onto him once he feels Molly's hand skating comfortingly up his side. His kisses always make Caleb's head feel light, almost like he's getting drunk just off of Molly's warmth, so bright and insistent and comforting against his lips. He wishes he could kiss Molly forever.

Molly's fingers gently slip underneath Caleb's shirt, claws scraping carefully against his soft belly before pausing. Molly tilts his head back and breaks their kiss for a moment, eyes searching Caleb's face.

“Okay to touch?” He asks, flexing his claws on his stomach for emphasis.

Always so kind, always considerate, careful, even if he doesn't have to be. Caleb treasures that about Mollymauk more than he knows.

 _“Ja.”_ Caleb gives a rushed little nod, eager; he wants Molly's claws dragging over every inch of his skin. _“Ja,_ wherever you want.”

“Good.” Molly murmurs, leaning in for another, short kiss, the hand on Caleb’s stomach beginning to roam in circles further up towards his chest.

_I love you._

Caleb cups Molly’s jaw and pulls him back in, his free hand absently tracing the group of peacock feathers on Mollymauk’s chest; after a handful of nights like this, Caleb knows them by heart, could probably draw the entire landscape of his tattoos without looking even once. Something about the thought makes Caleb smile into their kisses and Molly must notice because he smiles back too, giving a breathy, amused chuckle in between a particular kiss. Molly gives a fond little squeeze at Caleb’s hip, pulling him in closer.

“I could just kiss you for hours, sweetling.” Molly murmurs again, sealing his words with a soft kiss. “Absolutely perfect.”

Caleb hums against Molly, giving an impatient sort of tug on his hip, a sudden wave of need washing over him.

“Want you,” He whines against Molly’s lips.

“I’m all yours, love, all of me.”

*

When Molly feels the mattress start to shift he cracks an eye open, adjusting his head from where it’s resting on his folded arms to get a better view. His tail flicks curiously, interested like a cat, though from under the sheets there’s not much room for it to move about. Caleb flashes a quick smile of acknowledgement down at Molly as he starts to sit himself up.

“Leaving already?”

“Ah, _ja,_ I don’t want to bother you anymore.” 

“You know you're welcome to stay the night if you want.” Molly says, rolling onto his side. Caleb's gaze flickers from Molly's face to somewhere off in the distance; perhaps a little conflicted, but he guesses that's more of Caleb's nerves than anything. “I like having you around.”

Molly’s never told him to leave, he usually holds on to Caleb’s company as long as he can. He’d would be lying if he said he wished he had something more permanent with Caleb, but this is nice. If Caleb wanted something else, he’d have said something by now, after years of travelling together and months of being this involved with each other. Molly’s heart is just going to have to live it. 

“Oh. Okay.”

“People like you, believe it or not.” Molly says playfully.

“I’m .. still trying to learn that.” Caleb shrugs, scooching off towards the edge of the bed. Molly frowns a little. “I’d like to stick around, though, but I may just be reading if, um, that’s alright.” 

“Sure. Could - could you read to me, maybe?”

Caleb raises an eyebrow at Molly as he gets up off the bed, reaching down to fish his shorts off the floor before starting to slip them on. “You’re interested in learning about how time passes in the Feywild?”

“I don’t think I’ll understand a lick of it, I just like listening to your voice, it’s nice.”

“Oh…”

“Mhm.” Molly grins as he sees the tips of Caleb’s ears start to tint a gentle shade of red. “Throw me a shirt?”

Caleb wordlessly bends back down and picks up his dark brown button-up off the floor, then balls it up with a slight grin on his face before tossing it at Mollymauk. There’s no actually force behind it, really, but it lands across Molly’s face and he has to laugh, grinning.

“Hey!”

Caleb shrugs, still smiling a little. “You _did_ use the word ‘throw,’ Mollymauk.” 

“You’re such a dick.”

“What’s that saying? If you are what you eat, then…”

“I’m begging you to stop using my words against me because it’s a battle my dumb ass is going to lose horribly.”

“Alright, but only because I like you.” 

As Caleb starts to walk towards his pile of things Mollymauk sits himself more upright to slip Caleb’s shirt over his shoulders, buttoning it up just below his breastbone before relaxing back against the pillows again. A moment later, Caleb crawls into bed with his book in hand and then settles in, slotting himself next to Molly’s side like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Molly freezes for a minute but goes with it, glad Caleb can’t see the heat rising in cheeks as he pulls Caleb in closer into a more proper cuddle. His heart flutters as he feels Caleb relax back against him.

When he starts to read, Molly absentmindedly starts to scratch soft circles into Caleb’s belly, dragging his nails through the thick, dark trail of hair that Molly know’s runs below Caleb’s belt and up across his chest. Molly rests his chin on Caleb’s shoulder as he starts to relax more, all too comfortable with the human nearly in his lap, all warm and soft in his arms - like a teddy bear, he thinks to himself, smiling a little.

A gentle, rumbling little purr starts to build in Molly’s chest as the time passes and, eventually, he can’t bare to keep his eyes open much longer. _I love him,_ is the last thought that passes through Molly’s mind before sleep washes over him. Everything feels right.

***

Caleb wakes up curled tight, pressed up close to the warmth in front of him. With a deep inhale, he realises he’s clinging to Mollymauk’s side as he’s greeted with the familiar scent of him, the usual smell of lavender and layers of various incense easy to pick up, even if he’s still wearing Caleb’s shirt. Mollymauk’s already high temperature only feels warmer trapped underneath the blanket, but not unbearably so; if anything, it makes Caleb want to fall back asleep, especially when he realises Molly’s claws are casually dragging back and forth over a small section of his spine. Caleb unfurls himself just enough to wrap an arm around Molly’s waist and nuzzles against his ribs, giving a soft, sleepy hum against his side as Caleb pulls him closer. Everything almost feels too perfect, like a dream, head still light and fuzzy from sleep.

“Awake down there, little prince?” Molly’s voice comes soft and still scratchy from sleep. Cute.

Caleb just makes a vague, incoherent hum.

“Uh-huh. Of course.” Molly chuckles, smoothing his hand up Caleb's back. 

Caleb lays like that for another minute or so before straightening himself, a few joints cracking as he does so, and peeks out from under the sheets. He frowns at the contrasting cold, pressing his face into Mollymauk's shoulder.

“It's cold.” He grumbles.

“I'll just have to keep you warm then.”

Molly wraps both of his arms loosely around Caleb, giving him a soft squeeze as he snuggles him in closer. Caleb’s fingers casually trace the scars coating Mollymauk’s torso, following them in all different, connecting paths, passing over the set of twinned, long scars just below his chest - Caleb mirrors them on himself, too - before dipping below his ribs and looping back up again. He’d like to try one day to see how many different combinations of paths he could take tracing Molly’s scars one day. He really would just sit there for hours if Molly let him. 

“Mm, good morning.” Caleb says, pressing a kiss to the crook of Molly's neck without thinking. 

“Morning.” Molly presses a lingering kiss to Caleb's forehead. “Hey, I woke up for a sec in the middle of the night with that book laying across your face. You fell asleep like that.”

“Oh,” Caleb chuckles a bit, smiling into Molly's neck. “If I just keep reading, then I do not actively have to choose when to stop, which is difficult if it's interesting.”

“Your dedication to your interests are impressive. My attention span is terrible.”

“Some people think it's weird, or annoying. Especially if I talk about it.” Caleb yawns, tries his best to blink the sleep out of himself, but he still feels his tiredness flowing thick in his veins.

“I mean, it's not like it's hurting anyone. Seeing you happy about stuff makes me happy.”

 _”Danke,_ Mollymauk, that's - that's very sweet.”

“I _am_ very sweet, thank you.” He chimes; Caleb can't see, but he can practically hear his cute grin. 

He smiles at the thought, nuzzling back against Molly. With another deep inhale his scent rushes over Caleb again, stronger now, almost intoxicating paired with everything else right now. A distant pulse of want bubbles up in stomach and he can't help but press another lazy sort of kiss to Molly's throat, followed up my another, shorter one as tries to press his body closer to Molly's. Mollymauk tilts his throat back as he tries to hoist Caleb up closer so he's just about half-way laying on top of Molly; which is an easy feat, considering how pliant Caleb feels right now, content and still just a bit groggy from sleep.

Caleb nips softly at Molly's throat, enough to earn a hum from him, claws gently curling into Caleb's side.

“Trying to add more marks down there, handsome?” Molly purrs.

“Maybe.”

Molly lets out a low, amused chuckle. “C’mon, get up here.”

With a last kiss to Mollymauk’s throat Caleb shifts so he’s more suited to see Molly’s face, one arm propping himself up on the pillow next to Molly’s head. Caleb curls a finger around the curve of Molly’s horn, briefly taking in his features before pulling him in for a slowed series of kisses. He feels Mollymauk’s hand stroke lovingly up and down the length of his side as his other hand cups Caleb’s jaw, thumb rubbing at his stubble. Caleb’s heart flutters softly in his chest and he can’t help but smile, breaking away enough to take another glance at Molly.

The softness of his expression makes Caleb’s heart melt - he feels loved, if but for a second. Mollymauk’s so beautiful in the pale artificial light of the mansion, his features vulnerable and pretty bathed in the golden sunrise-like light emanating from the lamp in the distance; he doesn’t want to forget this, how beautiful Molly looks, how light his own chest feels, swelling with fondness and affection. Caleb wants to hold onto this forever.

 _I love you so much,_ he thinks and leans in to kiss Mollymauk again but stops, Caleb catching the way he tenses underneath him, Molly’s expression shifting to a soft surprise and maybe a little bit confused, too. Caleb feels anxiety begin pump through his veins, cold and harsh, fearing the worst that he pushed Molly’s boundaries without realising it, because of _course_ he has to ruin everything. He tries to ask what he did but the words get stopped up in his throat, unable to come out.

“I - that’s - let’s pause a second,” Mollymauk says after an all-too-long moment of quiet. “Because - not that that’s bad, that’s just, a lot to drop in this, um, particular moment, if you meant it-”

He said it out loud. Archheart, _He said it out loud. He -_

Caleb hauls himself off of Mollymauk, scooching off the side of the bed towards his things, muttering a series of strained _‘I’m sorry’_ s as he moves. As Caleb gathers his clothes quickly up in his arms he hears Molly move on the bed behind him and then his hand curls around Caleb’s elbow - not harsh, not demanding, just a feather light touch, far more than weak enough for Caleb to move out of if he wants to. 

“Caleb, it’s okay, I - I’m not mad, I …” Caleb steals a glance at Molly, his expression now a mix of worry and hurt. He just couldn’t keep his fucking mouth shut, could he?

“I will let you be and then we can just forget about it. Go back to normal.” Caleb says, voice even and put-together as he can fake it right now, pretending like his hearts not trying to tear it’s way out of his skin, ice flooding his veins. “I am sorry for making you uncomfortable, Mollymauk, I am - going to go back to my room now. Goodbye.”

He slips out of Molly’s grasp and moves towards the door. Caleb’s hands feel numb and tingled as he reaches for the doorknob, the metal feeling just about as devoid of heat as his fingers tips.

“Caleb, wait. Please.”

He stops and slides his eyes shut; not sure what’s to come, he prepares for the worst. Molly has to think he’s awful, disgusting.

“I - Caleb, I …” He hears Molly take a deep breath. “I’m in love you too, okay?”

Caleb feels his throat tighten again, a thousand thoughts buzzing in the back of his head. Maybe he means it, maybe he doesn’t. He looks over his shoulder.

“I have been for a long time.” One of Molly’s ears flick, looking down at his lap before meeting Caleb’s gaze again.

“You - you mean this, you’re not just … blowing smoke up my ass.”

“No, I’m not.” Molly says, sure. “I’m full of shit nine times out of ten but I wouldn’t fuck with you like that, I care about you too much.”

“Okay … okay. Alright.” Caleb takes another breath and takes his hand off the door knob, turning around. “I suppose we should … talk about this. Make sure we’re _actually_ on the same page this time.”

“Yeah, probably a good idea.”

Molly situates himself back on the bed again, pulling the sheets back over his lap and patting the space next to him. In another moment Caleb sits back down next to Molly, fidgeting with a loose thread in the sheets.

“So, we’re both messy as hell.”

“Yes.” Caleb laughs. “I didn’t want to scare you or anything. When we started this, ah, arrangement it felt more like … school crush than anything. I thought it wouldn’t affect anything, but my feelings got a bit out of hand.”

“It’s okay. That’s what I was thinking too.” Molly shrugs. “I should have been level with you, though, I’m sorry. Even in the past month I think we’ve got, uh - too comfortable without clearing things up.”

“Well, we learn from our mistakes, ja? If we pursue this further then we need to communicate more, then.”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely.” Molly nods with a small smile, his tail flicking. “Where do we want to take this?”

Caleb curls the corner of the sheet between his fingers, still somewhat nervous from earlier, but he’s calmed down a great deal. He still can’t really believe this is all happening, he wouldn’t have even dreamed of this discussion happening, really. Of course, the circumstances were less than ideal, but Caleb will take it. “I’d like to be your partner, if that’s something you want.”

“There’s no one else I’d want to be with than you, love, I’d like that a lot.” Mollymauk reaches his hand out for Caleb’s, entwining their fingers together, giving his hand a soft squeeze. Caleb gives a shy smile as he feels a blush trying to crawl up his cheeks.

He reaches out to cup Molly’s face with one hand and pulls him in close, leaning their foreheads together, a gentle plum blush starting to dust his cheekbones.

“I love you, Mollymauk.” There’s no need for it to be whispered anymore, Caleb says it confidently and sure - it’s not a secret anymore.

“I love you, too,” he seals their words with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> please comment if you liked, people's thoughts are always appreciated and keep me going!  
> i hope you enjoyed! <3


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